Saturday, April 16, 2011

Cosmocking: May '11! Part Two!

(Programming note: I'm going to be out of town from today til Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I'm taking the netbook, but I never know how posting will or won't go.)

But right now it's just me and my wacky friend Cosmo. Oh Cosmo. Where were we?

Fortunately, a new batch of sexperts decided to break the CAT [Coital Alignment Technique] out of its time capsule. They had women who had never been able to climax during missionary put this method to work... and when they did, they experienced a 56 percent increase in orgasms after a mere three weeks.
Okay, that's still zero.

This magical sex position itself is basically missionary, but the guy sorta scoots up toward your head after penetration so his penis will be pointing... more uppier. It's something I've heard of independently from Cosmo and I'm not a good person to judge this since I can come from anything anyway, so I won't knock the idea itself. Just the math.

Spread [lube] onto his pubic-bone region so you get a tingly feeling every time he thrusts.
That's not "tingly." That's just "soggy."

Sweetie, Honey, Darling, and any other name that could be used interchangeably by his mom or an elderly waitress at a diner have no place in your relationship [...] "Not only are these terms anonymous, they're also genderless, and if you use them enough, you lose what makes your bond unique."
"Hi penis-Honey!"
"Oh hi! I missed you, vagina-Darling!"

There. Gendered and unique. Or you could just accept that these are English words denoting affection, and whether you like them or not is completely up to personal preference rather than universal unwritten rules.

So calling him Snuggle Bunny is akin to agreeing to an open-door bathroom policy: It's kinda comfortable, kinda gross... and the longer you do it, the harder it can be to feel like you want to rip each other's clothes off.
Do you close the door for poops? This is important. Pee ain't no thing, but if the bathroom directly adjoins the bedroom or kitchen, closing it for poops has nothing to do with intimacy or mystery.

But Cosmo is right about one thing: no one wants to have sex with someone who goes to the bathroom! Ewww. Next thing you know you'll be breathing in front of each other. There goes the romance. ("Romance" here is almost entirely equivalent to "not believing your partner is a person just like other people.")

It's fine if it's a little cheesy--like Stud or Loverboy--especially if it's busted out in the bedroom.
So calling someone "Honey" is out because it's too generic and belittling, but "Stud" is in. Cosmo, I... sometimes I can't do anything funnier than repeating back what you just said.

After a few weeks of this anytime move, your abs will look totally sick in your swimsuit.
Tummy Tightener: Sit with your butt 2 inches away from the back of the chair. Plant your feet on the floor, place your hands on your thighs, and lift your feet a few inches off the floor, keeping your stomach sucked in and your shoulders back. Hold for 5 seconds. Do 10 reps three times a day.

Wow, it's like one-eighth of a crunch! I mean, I guess it's not literally zero exercise, but I'm pretty sure "take your feet off the floor for a couple seconds!" isn't where six-packs come from.

Cosmo exercises are always ridiculously watered-down like this. I'm never sure if it's because they don't want their readers to hurt themselves, because dainty little ladies mustn't do hard manly exercises, or because you're supposed to just not eat and that'll solve everything. I think the last is a lot of it. Ladymag exercise tips always make me think "I could do fifty times that"; ladymag diet tips always make me think "oh my god I would start gnawing at my own flesh."

Any displays of excitement (or disappointment, for that matter) can confuse male coworkers. Since they have difficulty processing feelings and logic at the same time, they don't get that we're able to show both.
It's like the writer never met a man. Or read any work of fiction or nonfiction created by a man. Or gave any consideration to the idea that if the human brain was really that sexually dimorphic, dialogue between the sexes would be literally impossible. Or ever saw a man excited or disappointed. Or, like, lived on Earth.

And people say feminists are misandric.

The Habit: Buying a few happy-hour cocktails once a week.
The Cost: $936/year.
What You Could Have Bought: Six Kindles.

But I don't want six Kindles! The whole idea is you only need one! (Mine's named Ralph. Well, Ralph II, because a bad thing happened to the original Ralph. Anyway.)

Cosmo does this every month, deconstructing little spending habits that add up as if they were a terrible mistake instead of a simple allocation decision. Did you know, ladies, that instead of buying a lot of cheap things you could get a few expensive things? Did I just blow your little lady-minds?

And the idea of saving that $936, instead of buying something completely goofy with it, is definitely off the table. Maybe if more banks and investment brokerages bought ads in Cosmo...




Okay, I really have to hit the road now. But I'm not done, so that means there's going to be a Part Three! I'm so sorry.

23 comments:

  1. Yeah, but how much would you save in a year by not buying all the goddamn make-up Cosmo recommends? :D

    And Cosmo can go fuck itself. My wife calls me "honey" and I like it just fine. It may be "genderless" and "generic" but the important part is that it's her saying it. Idiots.

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  2. I only call Morgan Morgan in bed. I think it makes it sexier on account of the association between me saying his name and sexytimes.

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  3. Excellent cosmocking as usual.
    And I wanted to flag this for both you and Ozy's attention:
    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/hot-sex/hot-sex-tips-introduction
    This is literally the funniest thing I've ever read. I laughed so hard it was difficult to breathe. They're having their blogger actually do some of the tips they suggest. Including put a doughnut on his dick and eat it off.
    I would actually want to know how this turns out if people who weren't being paid to tell us how great Cosmo was tried it. Especially since the doughnut thing made me uncomfortable--I'm fine with the BF's dick in my mouth, I'm fine swallowing. I'm fine finding the occasional pube randomly in my mouth afterwards, although I don't find it erotic. And I love doughnuts. But uhhh I feel like in general that's just a bad combination. I don't want to eat a pube and dick flavored doughnut.
    Some of these so far aren't bad, but with the usual Cosmo style "every man loves sex at all times and would never for any reason not want sex" thrown into it. Like blowin your dude in the shower without warning, or words? Could be hot. But why no words, Cosmo? What if he doesn't want sex??
    Anyways. I thought this could be an amusing challenge to actually try.

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  4. HELLO-MALE-COMPANION

    I-HAVE-BEEN-INSTRUCTED-BY-COSMOPOLITAN-MAGAZINE-TO-AVOID-TRANSMITTING-FEELINGS-TO-YOU-I-AM-WARNED-THEY-CANNOT-BE-ACCOMMODATED-AND-WILL-BREAK-YOUR-PUNY-MAN-BRAIN-END-TRANSMISSION

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  5. I have heard of the Coital Alignment Technique before, and figured that's what Cosmo would be suggesting (either that or woman-on-top). I think when the guy scootches up, the new angle makes the shaft of his penis more likely to rub the woman's clit as he thrusts. Wouldn't work for me, but whatever.

    -perversecowgirl

    "That's still zero" made me laugh my ass off btw. :D

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  6. "Since they have difficulty processing feelings and logic at the same time, they don't get that we're able to show both."

    What?!

    This... I just... no. What?

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  7. I've misread the title of your post as "cock smocking" twice running now.

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  8. "Ladymag exercise tips always make me think 'I could do fifty times that'; ladymag diet tips always make me think 'oh my god I would start gnawing at my own flesh.'" Haha yes, I have noticed that. I think part of it is the strain that results from always addressing the reader as "you," and giving advice that is assumed to work for all women. It's hard to give exercise tips when you don't know if your reader is completely sedentary, or a fitness nut. So they give workout routines that absolutely ANYONE can do, but that won't be much use to people who, like, already exercise.

    The assumption that the reader is sedentary also seems to through in the diet tips. The tiny meals and portion sizes women's mags recommend (if you eat a piece of meat larger than a pack of playing cards OMG you're a pig!!) would be difficult for anyone to stick to, but downright impossible if you're running/biking/swimming regularly. You'd pass out from exhaustion before you could finish the workout. It's like, maybe celebrities diet that way when they're preparing for a big movie role. But I'm not getting paid for this shit, so I'd prefer to keep eating healthy food in normal quantities, if you don't mind.

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  9. You had me at 'Okay, that's still zero.'

    Makes me fantasize about an 'Good science!' label to be applied (or denied!) to publications of any kind.

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  10. @Anon 7:41 - there already is, but nobody's qualified in about 50 years.

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  11. Maybe if you looked at things written by scientists, you'd find good science. I've seen plenty of good science that's been written in the past 50 years... Just none of it has to do with sex tips.

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  12. I'm with Perversecowgirl on the orgasm thing. The idea is that the penis will rub the clit more. All it ever did for me was getting stabbed by the head on my colon area. Not sexy feeling like you have to poop and you're not even doing anal.

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  13. Anon - Good science should never be the sole purview of designated Official Serious Scientists. At least the very basics--the concepts of evidence and experimentation, of causation versus correlation and confounding factors, and the honest presentation of results--ought to be things even a sex-tip writer can master.

    I mean, hell, I write sex tips sometimes, and I sure as hell know a p-value from a hole in the ground, and I don't have to hide behind "tee hee, I'm just a ditzy little sex writer" as an excuse.

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  14. "Any displays of excitement (or disappointment, for that matter) can confuse male coworkers."

    Only the ones who weren't involved in the conversation to begin with. Sure, they might not have the same reaction to things as we do, but that doesn't stop them from being excited and disappointed too.

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  15. @Leah "Not sexy feeling like you have to poop and you're not even doing anal."
    Bahahaha! I wish I didn't relate so very much, but I do. xD

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  16. "I don't know how to describe it besides that it looked like a little hat. And really, nothing's sexier than a peen with a beret on, right?"

    Time for some cock dress-up!

    It's so painfully obvious that she's contractually obliged to sound positive.

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  17. i really like that position. maybe i'm just tight so it always seems like i'm getting a thrust up, but man, its just the best. [there was zero sarcasm in that comment. this is not sarcasm either.]

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  18. @erinrae: I don't think it has to do with any sort of ridiculous "tightness" factor. You're probably just sensitive to that position based on your nerves.

    @anon 11:05: INORITE?! XDDD I had to say it.

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  19. If you don't make a part 3, I'll shoot JFK!

    (BTW, you having fun on the road? You should have tied a napsack to a stick, and stolen a freshly baked pie off a windowsill, for maximum effect. Trust me.)

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  20. 1) We did the "coital alignment technique" last night.
    2) She didn't come from that*
    3) We both had lotsa fun all the same.

    *I almost wrote "it didn't make her come" but I don't like the phrase "make her come" unless you mean exactly that.

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  21. "Sweetie, Honey, Darling, and any other name that could be used interchangeably by his mom or an elderly waitress at a diner have no place in your relationship [...] "Not only are these terms anonymous, they're also genderless, and if you use them enough, you lose what makes your bond unique.""

    Incidentally, MY NAME is also used interchangeably by my mother and old waitresses. So I suppose you should never call me by my name or our relationship will lose it's unique bond? Oh and there are genderless names... like Loren/Lauren. Boy people with that name must HATE their relationship.

    "Any displays of excitement (or disappointment, for that matter) can confuse male coworkers. Since they have difficulty processing feelings and logic at the same time, they don't get that we're able to show both."

    What I don't even...

    "And the idea of saving that $936, instead of buying something completely goofy with it, is definitely off the table. Maybe if more banks and investment brokerages bought ads in Cosmo..."

    Here's a good plan: buy superfluous kindles rather than drinks!

    Incidentally, that's $18 a week spent on drinks... which is like two drinks, maybe three. Yeah...

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  22. Uh... I tried the exercise.
    It's kind of difficult for me. Well, not on my abdominals, but on my thigh muscles.
    So, yes, I understand that it might be easy for some people. However, someone working and office job or still going to school and thus sitting still most of the day, this might actually be a valid way of getting some exercise and muscles.

    Also, if you do this regularly, (ten times, three times a day), it seems to me more useful than doing "real" exercise only once or twice a week and then feeling so exhausted and frustrated about your lack of progress that you decide to just stop it altogether.
    A little really does go a long way.

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  23. Uh. I tried this before, but it didn't seem to make it, so sorry if it was offensive. I'll try to do it right this time.

    I think the thing about this flimsy exercises comes with something you already remarked upon somewhere else.
    Cosmo thinks most of its readers work a nine to five office job, where they don't do much physical work.
    Also, it seems to me, they assume women don't do much sports, due to the fact that they have to oggle all the pretty men doing sports.

    Now, I think, if Cosmo works with these assumptions, the exercise makes sense.
    If some one is not able to really work out because of never having enganged in any sporting activities, this is the perfect exercise.
    It's doable even for the most un-exercised person, it's easy to do while working, it doesn't take much time and if done the way described, I would assume it works better than trying far to hard only once a week for a few minutes and then giving up completely frustrated and angry.

    And no, I'm not trying to say this works for all women. I just think it might work for any person of any gender who has an office job and very little exercise.

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